One Step At A Time

I have to look backwards sometimes to glimpse at where I started to get the benefit of where I am today. I can end up dwelling on the things that have shaped into the person I am today, the contributions form life’s experiences that make up the internal way I think and react.

I used to fear looking directly at the mistakes and the wrong way of handling events or people or situations as constant reminders of what a failure I was. Totally unable to see what was wrong with me and totally unable to stop blaming others for what was lacking within me.

I thought I was different than other people for as long as I could remember, I was never happy, I was not able to do things for the right reasons but rather because it was what was expected of me, a habit, not a true decision. When I did start making choices they were not right either and I began to believe that no matter how hard I tried things would never be right or good enough and I was doomed to be a person who would remain a failure at anything I tried.

Relationships with friends did not last, marriages in later life did not last, and relationships with family members are still at best difficult for me. I am who i am and what has happened to this point is accepted as how it has to be for me to be able to see what I need to change and continue to review in order to make me a better human being.

I have made great strides to make the changes to have a better relationship with God and myself first. For me that is where the most repairs were needed. As I have learned how to communicate what I really feel and what is important to me I have changed the way I interact with others, I have strengthened my heart and become a person that I trust and that others can trust, and in the process I have learned how to make the right choices for me in order to stay sober.

I have learned there is a point when I must stop trying to be that others want me to be in order to remain spiritually fit and right with myself. I no longer have to be what others need me to be in order for me to be happy and understand that it is the right thing for me. I was so miserable and wanted to not exist for so long and I crave life today and everything that it brings to me. Because I walk with God and my heart if his and my soul and spirit are in alignment with what is good and just.

I really just want happiness, joy and peace within my heart. I want to continue to feel God working with me and giving me the distance and strength to do what I need to become the person I was intended to be. I have now accepted this may not be a perfect ending before I die and know now that it is the journey to continue to strive for the right choices and be able to love myself and respect myself and not be the person I was anymore, that is where the true joy is for me today.

So go back and look, take what I need to see what I am doing today that is different, make the choice to leave what is not pertinent to what change I need to make today, what has happened is nothing more than one more tool I have given to me by God to know for myself what is good about me and why I am a good person today and why the joy I feel within is from His smile within my heart. 

I rarely have problems taking time to be quiet, I have learned that it is necessary for my internal wellness which is reflected in my external wellness. People can tell when I am not taking time to be quiet. Sometimes the roar of daily life gets to me and it is then that I need to go and take a nice hot soaking bath, or  a walk in the local park, or just sit outside with no thoughts or other distractions. I can hear God better when I am not trying to.

I tend to be forceful with good feelings and forget that I must allow them to happen naturally so that they are truly good and give to me the relief from the daily life grind. If I am honest with my feelings and recognize when they are reflecting a negative emotion, I can see what it does to my moods and how I am reacting to things that are happening. I have to learn once again how to stop and listen and to not be so much in a hurry for the reward and focus more on the journey.

I have been given a new life and I have had so many lessons and yet I still can feel and understand that there is so much more for me to learn. I need to take time to allow life to give to me instead of rushing to take from life. God gives me the strength and the motivation it is up to me to take the time to allow life to happen occur as a natural thing and not force life to give up the future.

Allowing myself the time to seek self renewal through quiet time with God does lend to me the inner peace that I crave. When I am out of sync with God and what His will for me is I am unable to still the rushing sounds of a busy day, unable to feel the warmth of love from above and most importantly unable to move forward in life. Taking the time to be one through quiet connection with God gives me so much more than the forceful ways of my past. The feelings fo good last far longer, the feelings of love and reward and self-gratification are genuine and last much longer. 

Not knowing how long my journey on earth is makes me want and desire a better way to live every day to the fullest so that i am ready for when ever God has decided I am through here. How good I make that journey depends on how willing I am to follow direction, heed mistakes and learn something new and apply it to my sober life. I can not afford any longer to leave things to the last-minute, I can not waste the minutes given to me to use the tools of the Steps to make myself a better human. I must be diligent in my efforts to continue to grow and not become stagnant in my quest for improvement.

So hard to take an easy-going path and move slowly and carefully through the day and not jump at the chance to run to the end without considering the consequences of being in a hurry. So often for me I am compelled to assume and such forward without looking where I am going. Slowing down and taking time to enjoy life and every moment we are given in a day to live can be very difficult to try and achieve.

Sometimes I sit on the back porch and do nothing, just sit there and watch life happening. It can be very difficult to take time to slow down and just stop your mind and just take in what happens. No conscious effort being made just allow the sounds of nature to come to mind.

I liken this to meditation and taking time to relax and regain spiritual connection to God whom I consider as my Higher Power. It is so important to my daily need of keeping close to the source of my strength. I have to make the effort to be aware of everything the day has brought to me, how I have reacted or handled things and what I need to change within to meet the next challenge that may come my way.

I used to run form the perils of life and hide in alcohol and drugs where the depression and inability to deal with life as it happened. It never made things better just hide the truth for a while. When I came out of the stupor and begin the walk down the path that I travel today, I have had to learn to slow down and take time to review and be aware of my thoughts and motives.

The difference for me is greatest when I can see clearly where I was and where I am now and can envision where I would like to be. I can dare to dream today when I slow down and look at what I want from life and what I need to do to obtain it.

Keeping sobriety first in my life helps me stay focused on the right path to follow, God gives me the strength to continue down that path no matter what I may face and my renewed faith that life is as it should gets stronger every time I can see the changes.

I believe the hardest thing for me to learn and continue to deal with is feelings. I really stuffed how I felt or drank it away for so long that I am still not able to cry when the hardest pain hits me. Conditioning oneself to not react to pain or feelings is normal for addicts and alcoholics but what about doing the reverse when a person enters recovery?  How do you learn how to react to situations and emotions in a healthy way?

In working the steps I learned how to deal with the issue of feeling again, and in practicing these principals in my life I have learned somewhat how to go through situations and emotional events that occur with good results. But I am still confused at my inability to feel some events as hard as I should and why some others really sting. I am not able to take harsh conversations or criticism well and I would have thought after all these years that would have magically dissolved but it has not. I still have very thin skin when it comes to listening to someone tell me what is wrong with me. I guess it stems from the guilt that I should have already known.

If I face rejection I feel really vulnerable and small inside like that quiet shy kid I was that could not stop the pain and feelings of not feeling wanted or needed. I felt for so long like I had no purpose in life and no one wanted me. So how do I address that in a adult and healthy way so that I can feel complete and not so much like a loner.

I turn to others in the program, I share my secrets of depression and ask how they c ope, how do they deal with those feelings and not let the emotions control their thoughts and actions. i still want so badly to have someone to love me, and for me to be able to love another human being and give them the completion in their soul as I am completed in mine. I find this to be a very scary proposition to tackle and I am still reluctant to take the risks because I have tried and failed so many times.

But being comfortable with living alone is not good or healthy and I wonder if there is still something about my character that needs work, that needs a closer look at. I must still have issues that I have overlooked and must continue my efforts of facing fears until they are resolved. The happiness I find in life today comes from the discovery of these things that are still obvious to others but may be hidden from me.

I enjoy the journey and each new discovery of self that frees another aspect of me to the new and better way to live sober. Have to keep looking and believe that on my journey God may send me the person who is the other half of my soul, the person that completes me and in the mean time I will continue to seek that which may be in the way of that becoming true for me. I do not doubt that I am where I am meant to be and that everything in my life has been necessary and the forward motion will continue as long as I continue to seek a better way to live through sober life.

The self esteem issues that have plagued me for most of my life have given me a new freedom in sobriety. I have gained the ability to stop seeking validation of my actions and beliefs from others to be happy. If I need to continually seek the redemption that goes hand in hand with continual denial of right behavior being present then it should be equally important and necessary to validate ones actions and be comfortable with the results.

I can remember in the detox center when I was taken there for a mental break down for the 6^th time asking them when will this insanity stop. Will I have to die to be happy and then not even be able to understand why it did not have to happen? When is that point of I really want to die change to I really want to live? At what point do I begin to be able to tell myself it is okay to cry over not feeling loved or wanted or needed? When can the pain change and how to participate in the process?

Even in the first years of sobriety and sometimes even now after 22 years I still can visit that awful place within where the dark is so vast nothing can survive. I have been there and know the place well. I can go there at will when I am not able to validate my anger, my needs not being filled, desperation sets in and I seek the comfort of the darkness.

In sobriety how ever I have learned slowly that it is okay to cry, to have deep feelings and be able to go through pain without having the urge to hide within. My psychiatrist tried in vain to find out what I meant about having a place to hide where no one would find me. He always maintained that some day I would be well enough, self trusting enough to not need it anymore.

The Steps of AA gave me life; I had none when I came here. I spent 6 months in a psychiatric hospital, drugged and herded to and from meaningless meetings with shrinks never really grasping why I was not able to live like everyone else. Why was I not normal about anything because at this point I had been dry for two years but still using drugs. I had no coping skills and no understanding of how to go through things that happen in life. When they came and offered me a chance to go over to the Alcohol and Drug rehab I was told all I had to do was accept my diagnosis. That was something I did not want to sign, I read it over and over, “ Patient has a severe inability to cope with daily life, prognosis for rehabilitation poor.”

I did finally sign, I gave up my children, my marriage and signed. I took a little longer to get through than most and it was 1 ½ years before I was served with divorce papers and determined fit enough to go to court. I had to learn to stand up for myself, to say no, to fight for my right to live normal or as close to normal as I could get.

I made it, I survived it and came through the other side with a new understanding of self. I was able to say it was good, everything that happened, everything that I learned was important, all of the people in and out of the rooms that gave me unconditional love and support. I gained then the ability to validate myself, my weakness, my strength, what I wanted, what I needed and the only process that would be able to deliver me. Pain is the sign of growth and happiness is the result of going through pain with new found freedoms from more fears and issues that used to baffle me. I have gained the freedom to see the real me and accept all of myself. I do not have to hide, the ugly parts are still there but in understanding that I am able to not react as I used to. I can tell myself my life is good and that there are things I want to still do, things I still need to change, paths that I still need to go down and more growth through pain and strength that God will give me to go through and come out even stonger.

The difference in the way I live today and the way I survived when drinking is like night and day to me. Being able to measure the difference between how I see the world and myself is paramount to the quality of my sobriety. I have to but I also need to be aware of the goods parts. I was not of a mind to believe I had anything to offer in the way of quality when speaking about sobriety for the first 5-6 years I was in AA. I did not and could not see what others were telling me was good, strong and worth sharing. It took serious analysis of my growth in the form of daily diaries to see the growth and the difference in the way I thought and acted.

I believe the hardest growth to see was the way I viewed myself in terms of self worth. I had very low self esteem and still venture into that area on occasions of depression. I am unable when in those periods to see myself as having anything of value to offer anyone else and have to resort to the daily journal entries once again to see even the minutest changes in my acceptance of myself and others.

Life happens sometimes very quickly and I can become distracted to others problems and needs and stop the attention that I desperately need to apply to my own life. I need to look closely at motives, needs and wants and be able to recognize the difference between them. What seems important to me today may not be the case tomorrow so it is important to stay focused on what I can do for myself today.

The challenges that I face today may not presented themselves in my life tomorrow or may even return at another time, so when I deal with the issues today I need to be aware that I am only dealing with them today and that I may have to face the same changes again and that it is okay. Personal growth is about what I can recognize within myself as much as what it is that others can see about me. I have to validate myself and I need to accept others opinions of me for growth purposes. I need to see that not everything I do is positive and not everything in my behaviors is conducive to personal growth.

That is where sobriety comes in terms of acceptance, to be able to accept that I am where I am supposed to be and that what is happening or is not happening is as it is meant to be for me at that moment. It is important to me to be able to recognize the growth and it is equally important to see when I am stagnant and need to get myself into gear and become serious about life again.

I can not allow depression to control any aspect of today for any real length of time or it will destroy whatever good I have gained for that day. It is normal to be discontented when things are off, it perfectly acceptable to not be ecstatic in all areas of my life in every day, but very dangerous to linger in moments of discontent to the point that I allow it to control me or my day.

My journey in sobriety has given me a life that I was not able to envision while drinking. The clouds of denial hung on everything when I first came to. Being able to slowly get back the ability to want to have dreams and aspirations to try and achieve gave me the ability to open my thoughts and my mind to the possibility of life with fringe benefits such as friends, being able to feel loved and wanted and needed.

 But sobriety also gave me the gift of sight, to be able to see myself in the future with good things happening in my life. Some measure their wealth in terms of things or possessions I rather measure mine in terms of what I can give to others in just being. If I can give the hope of life to one other person that life can be very different than they could have ever imagined then I would consider myself the wealthiest person in the world.

Life gives us the chance to change things as we live each day, to become more like the person we see in our own future. To be able to see that person as someone who can love and is loved and someone who is accepted and can accept others is a gift of sobriety I would not have thought possible some years ago.

As each new explosion of discovery of self’s possible dreams comes true I am able to begin a new one and they get better and bigger each time I achieve the prior dream. I am not overwhelmed with stress, I am clam as I approach the new dream, the new vision I have of self achieving a new part of life’s dream for me. My visions are enforced by the strong communion with God that has developed out of the trust that I have maintained and developed through prayer and daily meditations.

I could not have dreamed this for myself 25 years ago, I could not have seen my life being where it is today with all of the gifts that I have, all the attributes that I have gained through the program and my ability to allow others to help me learn how to be human again. I could not imagine my being so happy to just wake up each morning with no more complaints than that day will not contain enough time for me to even begin to repay God for what has been given to me.

I think of my younger years as the teaching blocks that shook me to my very foundation. They left me with no set way to live, no leads as to how a human being gets on in life, no directions for relationships or friendships. I felt empty even then and helpless to change, I finally gave in and succumbed to a way of life that was all I knew at the time.

After many decades of sorrow and life lacking in any moral substance or direction of spirituality, I found my way to a path that today gives to me the principals for how to make life worth living again. A way to accept what is and leave alone what could never be. When i sit for too long and allow my mind to wander I find I can go back to those times of indecision, that time in life when the only guides I had were mislead souls themselves. We were feeding off each for too long to leave much of anything that amount to any substantial meaning.

When I began down the road to recovery I was in a search in my life yet again to find a way to be happy. That is all I have ever dreamed of, to be content with life and myself. To know and accept everything that makes me a human being and be aware of why it is so important to be at peace with myself.

I turned to God so many times I am sure that He not only has carried many times over the times in my life when the growing pains of ignorance had a hold on me, but more to the point that He lead me out of the darkness and to a clearing where for the first time I could envision myself standing in the light, feeling the warmth of His love, knowing He was there as He had always been. Helping me to accept myself, to see whom I could be and leave alone who I had been. To be able to feel life and love every minute of it no matter if sad or gleeful or just glad to be alive.

When I think about all struggles that have occurred through out my life and which were the most telling of my true nature, I begin to be able to see the real person that I was and the person that I am now. The transformation has taken many years to date and is far from over. The journey began with unsure feelings and misgivings about my developing attitudes about myself and others and life in general.

Through the program I have had to release my grip on those attitudes and dangerous behaviors a little at a time and even so sometimes I still reach back into the past a grab hold with all of my strength fearing if I let it go all the way I will no longer have a stronghold on which to balance. The trick is to develop new foot holds, new strongholds as when climbing a mountain barefoot and using only your toes and fingers to grasp the hard cold rock of life, grasping at any small indentation that can yield a gain of a foot closer to your target.

The Steps when used as they were in the beginning by those that wrote them with the knowledge and complete understanding of who would follow them, give us the freedom to climb upward and not completely loose our footing when we slip. Forward progress is measured in inches not feet or miles, just inches, just the ever so slight forward progression towards the top trying our patience and giving us the gifts of the efforts as reward.

I think the gift of self is the most important today, more so than when I began my journey, my fear of failure has lessened somewhat and I no longer step boldly into the sunlight without first checking to be sure I am doing so with my protection, God and the tools of the program to shield me from the burning of the sun that can either be a healing power or a destructive one depending on how well I choose to face it.

Life gives us opportunity to receive gifts from the steps we take towards the top, down the path we go, looking for the opportunities to change the way we approach our own destiny, make a difference in the end result by fearlessly looking towards the next step and embracing the fact that the gift will have truly been earned after we face the challenge of life and secure footing forward and make the next step our most important yet.

When I began to transform my life into one that was reflective of whom I needed to be I had many discoveries about myself to make. I saw right away that the way I thought about myself was poor and in fact dismal as far as what kind of woman, mother and wife I was. I needed to find a way to redefine and reshape my opinion of myself so that the hard work ahead would be possible. I was a very negative person in the beginning believing failure was my only result to be achieved.

When I met a woman in the program that had some time and began to speak with me about my life and what had lead me to AA I began to see how using the insight of others, women, would be paramount to my creating a new way to live free of the insecurities that had controlled me for so long.

I had to shed the views of others and remember that when the end of the day gets here it really is the opinion I have of myself that is going to count the most in the final tally of growth for the day. Doing a Step 10 daily gave me some of the inspiration to continue to seek what I could be and accept that there was good within myself that needed to be developed.

The women in the rooms took me the rest of the way by showing me and continuing to support me through the many failures that occurred before I was able to make a daily assessment and goal that I could obtain. Keeping things simple was the key for me, not trying to set my daily goals so high that I would never be able to achieve that.

I can remember not being able to look myself in the eye in a mirror for the shame and guilt I felt inside. I was so overwhelmed with bad emotions that I really had to work hard to get progress that was reflective of whom I wanted to be or rather the person God had intended me to be.

I prayed for patience and tolerance until I realized like many had told me that acceptance was really what I needed and the rest would follow. The Step five meeting that I went to with my sponsor at the time gave me the tag line that I have used now for decades, “I can not fail until I stop trying.” Many would believe this to be arrogant like I am stating that I have now become perfect but the opposite is true. I set myself to fail, I set traps that would definitely end in disaster and sabotaged myself at every turn for many years. I now was gearing myself to remember life is not perfect, life travels in its own path of which I am a part of and I must accept that I have to live life on its terms not mine.

God it was like a bright light went off in my head! I had a chance, I could change and make something out of the damages, a woman I could be proud to be, a human being that others would respect and love and not take advantage of,  mother that children could look up to again as they should be able to. I had finally discovered “it”. The key for moving forward with recovery and using the tools that included the people in the rooms, the past for reference and the future as a goal, small baby steps, one step at a time over and over for as long as it takes accepting that I may never reach perfection but find freedom in the search for it.